Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
