I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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