I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you had me at cake vodka
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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