is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
