Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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