i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
