dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
