the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
