I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
