You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
did you just send me my own nude
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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