Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
