Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
