Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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