the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
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