I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
