If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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