The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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