She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
