We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
