Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
