some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
