I don't usually arrange sex via text message
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Your cock deserves a montage
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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