how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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