I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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