Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
