How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just tell him i said nine months
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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