There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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