For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
