I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
