I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
