I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize