I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
