We're like a lot better than the average bears
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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