The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just found puke in my bra..
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
