Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
