After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
