his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Randomize
