I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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