Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
