jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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