For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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