Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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