We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
