my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
