ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I wish there were birth control emojis
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
