mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
