i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize