Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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