It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
