i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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