My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
