who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
