if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
