home. puking in laundry basket.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
