Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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