I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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