what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
