I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
